Contributed by Huhnkie Lee
Probably, there is only one human soul who opposes marijuana in Alaska. And that lone Alaskan, a humble computer programmer, is running for president of the U.S. in 2020, against President Trump. So, who is this man?
Ladies and gentlemen, I present you today, Mr. L!
“Hello, everyone. My name is L and I'm running for president. Call me L.”
“Hi L. How's your campaign going?”
“Oh. Well. You know, it's going.”
“So, you are running for president and you oppose marijuana. I don't think that's a good strategy.”
“Why not?”
“Everyone in America loves marijuana. You hate marijuana. Then every American will hate you.”
“Oh... Whoopsie.”
“L. This is not a joke. Your opposition to marijuana will abort your campaign. That's right. Abort. Still birth. Miscarriage. Your campaign will end even before it begins. I advise you to change your position on this.”
“Oh, I can't do that. That's the whole point of me running for president. To save America from its current course of self-destruction.”
“Self-destruction? That's... that's a bit of strong words, Mr.”
“Not just marijuana. Tattoos, piercings, gay marriage, transgender surgery, plastic surgery, indulgence in food rich in sugar and fat. These are the things that are destroying America. And I am here to change all that. I will be the president in January 2021. So, vote for me in November 2020. Then, I shall protect your children and your grandchildren from you.”
“From us?”
“Yes.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Look. What you do, your kids and grandkids will inherit, by observing you and learning from you. You cook. They eat what you cook. You eat unhealthily. They will eat unhealthily. Do you love your children? Then start eating healthy. That's how you love your children. Not by words, but by actions, by being a good example. Start a healthy diet and regular exercise today. For your children's sake.”
“Lee, let's talk about marijuana. Why oppose?”
“Oh, it's simple. Marijuana impairs short-term memory formation. If you smoke marijuana, you can't form short-term memory. Without short-term memory, you can't form long-term memory. Meaning, if you smoke marijuana, you can't learn new things. What you learned before you smoked marijuana is already in long-term memory, so you won't lose that. Because marijuana does not destroy long-term memory.”
“Then, what's the problem?”
“Again, smoking marijuana undermines your ability to learn new things, because you can't remember things as well. If you are a young adult in college, your academic performance will go down, because you can't remember what you learned. If you are a mature adult, your job performance will go down too, because you can't remember things well at work.”
“You are exaggerating?”
“Oh, you think so, huh? How about this? China, South Korea, Japan, they are like number one, two, and three in academic performance, and they're economic power houses. What's America doing? America's academic performance is #14, while China is #1and South Korea is #2 in ranking, internationally. America's economy? Twenty trillions of dollars of debt. And now, on top of that, America is adding yet another thing to lower its already sinking status: marijuana. In China, Korea and Japan, if you smoke marijuana, you go to jail. In America? Every state is legalizing marijuana and President Trump supports it.”
“That's a good thing, isn't it? Freedom, baby. That's what America is about.”
“Marijuana is not an American thing. It used to be illegal in this country. Contemporary America is this mass of lemmings running toward a cliff. In front of those marching lemmings is the lemming leader: President Trump. I am here to put a stop in all this nonsense. So, give me the presidency in 2020. Then I will turn the country around.”
“I know I won't vote for you. You are going to make marijuana illegal again.”
“I'm running for president, not a senator or congressman. My job won't be making laws. All I'm going to do as a president is talk. Words. I will speak to the nation that marijuana is the last thing that America needs now.”
“Then, how do we get high? How can we be happy? Without marijuana?”
“Smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol. But, do so in a proper manner. I will introduce the proper drinking and smoking culture of Far East Asia.”
“Smoke and drink? Man, that is so unhealthy.”
“Oh yeah? Koreans smoke and drink all the time, while Americans stigmatize both. The questions are, ‘Who is healthier?’ ‘Who is more in shape?’ ‘Who lives longer?’ Hmm?”
“I guess Koreans are healthier.”
“See? That's the prime evidence that tobacco and alcohol are healthier than sugar and fat. Americans used to be fit and beautiful five decades ago. But, that has changed recently. Nowadays, Americans have become obese, tattooed, pierced, gay, transgender, lesbian... All these ugly trends did not exist 50 years ago. Obesity, tattoos and piercings, gay marriage, transgender bathroom, marijuana… These do not represent American values. They represent self-destruction.”
“Mr. L, good luck with your campaign.”
“Thank you. God bless.”