Contributed by Michelle Overstreet, MY House
February is Teen Dating Violence Prevention Month, and at MY House, we are sharing information and raising awareness to help youth and families recognize the signs and symptoms of relationship violence. Research tells us that 80% of girls who report dating abuse continue dating the abuser. In our community, this means adult women, who have been abused since they were children/teens, are raising girls who see the abusive behavior as “normal”.
One of the striking aspects of relationship abuse is that the appearance of violence in a relationship can be rationalized and tolerated, even when it is beyond what is acceptable to the person, family and social situation. Expressions like, “It won’t happen again,” or, “It’s because he/she is so stressed,” rationalize the abuse rather than addressing the fact that the behavior is totally unacceptable and ending the relationship. The violence is combined with love - affection, apologies or complete submission with the promise that it will never happen again.
The problem is that it almost always does happen again, and it gets more violent. It can’t be explained away time after time. The victim starts to separate from anyone who might point out the disparity between what is loving and caring and the outbursts of violence that clearly are not loving, but become tolerated and even considered “normal” as time goes on. The abuser may be fiercely protective (or working to increase isolation) and may insist that they cannot live without the victim, even threatening suicide should they leave. The victim then feels responsible for (literally) keeping the abuser alive, even as the violence continues and escalates.
This whole process leaves the victim feeling incredibly lonely. Isolation and a feeling of being undesirable or “not good enough” start to permeate all aspects of the victim's life, and any attempts made by concerned family and friends are rebuffed with explanations of, “You don’t understand,” or, “You don’t know them like I do,” or even, “I can’t let them die.”
Eventually their support system falls away, and they are truly alone. As a teen, this can contribute to feelings of inadequacy, rejection and even suicide. As the violence escalates, the victim is in grave danger, and the abuser feels untouchable - particularly if they have successfully removed the victim from all support systems. This is where murder or suicide often occurs.
To stop this terrible experience in our community, we must educate our youth on the signs, symptoms and risks, and never stop identifying abuse for what it is. Call it out and remain available as support and a “reality check”. Use all means necessary to separate the abused from the abuser, particularly if you feel their life may be in danger, because if you think that to be true, it probably is.
Find more information here: www.futureswithoutviolence.org
