Contributed by Steve Levi
The Swiveled Eye Kid was the king of the prank
and knew how to get gold before any bank
could swallow the poke – nugget and dust –
leaving the rube with hope covered with rust
so he took every stash with a smile for his scams
and his most famous deceit involved a bean can.
For most of his frauds, he teamed with a slut
who lured rubes to a remote room for a rut
and as the pair was engaged in the act
he’d burst into the room with a firearm packed.
He’d scream that the rube had been rutting his wife
and demanded the man pay up or lose his life.
The scheme was productive from June to September
because, in Nome, one must remember
those were the months when the Bering Sea brine
was ice-free, so rubes could arrive and make a beeline
to saloons and brothels with enjoyment inclined
with not a stitch of religious convictions entwined.
Better yet, they came north loaded with cash,
to spend in any manner at home called a bash
so, a romp in a brothel or a wild game of cards
were both on the menu, as was any canard
for when you have cash, the guard rails come down
most frequently quickly to those from out of town.
The Swiveled Eye Kid with Nellie the Pig –
who’d just been released from an Oregon brig –
scoped out the rubes who were coming ashore
on the lighterage craft dressed in party galore.
They’d follow the fools from saloon to saloon
‘til Nellie flashed breasts to cause them to swoon.
The dolts would be lured to a convenient bed
where he would disrobe from all of his threads
and fall into the clutch of the harlot quite nude
and deep into passion, the Kid would enter quite rude
waving a pistol and threatening the life
of the man who was cavorting with Nellie, his wife.
The cabal of the two had a lucrative deal
for none of the rubes charged them with a steal
so the scam continued ‘til the first of September
when it came time for both of the scam members
to flee to the south as ice covered the sea
and caused all rubes with their unspent gold to flee.
On the last scam before the onslaught of snow,
the Swiveled Eye Kid decided to blow
the arrangement he had with Nellie the Pig
and flee south with all of the last ill-gotten dig
they could get from the last rube of the season
leaving Nellie in Nome, the victim of treason.
Just as a steamer was about to depart
with Nellie, sans clothes was acting the tart,
the Swiveled Eye Kid charged into the scene
in a rage with a can of unlabeled beans
which he swore was a dynamite stick
and which would explode with a match flick.
The rube fled the room, his clothes in a roll
leaving behind a poke filled with gold.
There was ten thousand and Mike took it all
leaving Nellie the Pig to demand in a bawl,
for her share of the gold. She’d done her part
and she knew Mike was about to depart.
“Where’s my share,” demanded the tart
as Mike put the ten thousand into his shirt.
In response, Mike gave her the bean can with the fuse
and told her to use it on the next rube.
“That’s not going to work,” sneered the scammed chickadee.
“Sure it will,” Mike said. “It just did for me.”