Contributed by Melissa Martin
“Some kids are scared of me,” cried Elf as he rested in my flurry office chair. “Because parents say bad kids won’t receive gifts from Santa when I tattle.” I told Elf that spying on others is naughty, not nice and can be considered creepy. And spying can make children feel paranoid.
I asked Elf if he knew what other doll comes to life when nobody is watching. Chucky, a horror film star.
“Elf,” I said. “When you blab to Santa when kids argue with siblings or refuse to clean their rooms, kids start to resent you.”
Elf sniffed and blew his plastic nose. “I know I’m a tattle-tale, but that’s my job.”
I invited Elf to talk more about his emotions. “I’m a hot mess,” he muttered.
“And now Jimmy Kimmel is using me as a political poking joke with Trump on a Stump and Pence on a Fence.” Elf proclaimed he is a bipartisan pixie. He doesn’t want to see Bill and Hill on a Window Sill or Barack in a Clandestine Sock or Nancy P. in an Ambush Tree.
“Talk about why some elves are sooo ornery,” I said. We discussed how he is supposed to role model appropriate behaviors.
“I know I go overboard sometimes and spill flour on the floor and roll it or fish in the toilet. But give me a break. The parents make me do it.” Elf sobbed as snot bubbled out his nostrils. I handed him a half of a tissue.
Some parents are tired of ho-ho-hoing and moving Elf around every night. And spending money on special clothes and accessories.
FYI: Elf on the Shelf doesn’t know he’s not real. He was created by humans.
He showed me Facebook pictures of the wacky stunts adults make him do with Barbie and Ken. “I’m the victim,” he declared. Elf denied abusing alcohol and smoking marijuana.
Elf did confess that he slipped Ritalin into Rudolph’s water bowl before take-off last year. And he admitted to putting reindeer poo in Sarah Elizabeth Sander’s stocking. I suggested that Elf work on his low impulse control.
“This year, I’m on the holiday menu at IHOP. Pancakes with sweet cream cheese icing and whipped topping,” Elf bragged. “And Kellogg’s Elf on the Shelf Sugar Cookie with Marshmallow Breakfast Cereal features me.”
“Elf,” I replied. “I’m not supposed to judge what clients do, but do kids really need more sugar?”
Elf watched me for quite a while without speaking. I just knew Santa would leave a lump of coal in my stocking.
“Why don’t you focus on the behaviors the kids are doing well? Like when they share, take turns, and help around the house.” We discussed positive behavioral tools.
“What about an elf alternative?” I suggested that he consider becoming a Pocket Pixie that encourages intentional acts of being kind to others over the Christmas holiday and beyond. “Just talk to Mrs. Claus,” I recommended.
To make a long story short, I referred Elf to a 12-Step program called Tattle-Tale Anonymous. And the Human Resources office at the North Pole.
Melissa Martin, Ph.D., is an author, columnist, educator, and therapist. Contact her at melissamcolumnist@gmail.com.
