Contributed by BKL
A fictional diary of a gay man living during the Lavender Scare of the 1950s.
Aug. 3rd:
Today more officers came into the office. They took Jerry, without any warning. I wish we had known beforehand that he was going to be leaving. I truly believe he won't say anything. This breaks my heart. Oh lord, I'm so sorry and I do not know why I have these feelings that I have.
Aug. 6th:
This morning, I was tasked with filtering though more files. The stacks of records I must go through. I know them… They know me... How do I keep this secret? How do I continue the way I am?
Aug. 7th:
My report has sent three more people away. Where do they go? Do I tell other's when I do see their patterns? Single... mid-twenties… certain feminine features... Do I exhibit these?
Aug. 14th:
I am sorry. I cannot deter this sickness. I have this double life. Others are harassed and charged, and I am helping?!? Why?!? Did I choose this? Am I choosing this? They are not merciful.
Sept. 6th:
They found me out, Lord. I have nothing. I cannot be trusted. I am sick and diseased. They think I am a threat to the company and to the nation. How can I be a threat? I know nothing of secrets. But maybe they are right. I turned on others like me, embarrassed that I have done such a travesty. Who am I to not stand with them? What makes me any less sick? Maybe I am worse.
Sept. 21st:
I cannot go on. I have lost all I have loved. My father knows that I have dishonored the family. I have lost all respect for myself. I am not deserving of this life. I have no safe haven; I betrayed my friends and I am a liar. I am a threat. A threat to them all. I'm sorry.
Sept. 26th:
I'm scared. I am scared pf myself. The things I have to do to have a warm meal. I think this is what I deserve. But how can one continue to do this?
Sept. 28th:
Please have mercy on my soul. The this I have done.
Nov. 6th:
Things are taking a turn. I have some wonderful things to tell you. I have too much going on now, but I will soon.
Nov. 8th:
Alfred. That is his name. He is an amazing soul. Generous and sweet.
Nov. 21st:
Oh Lord. I know now. I know what we must do. Alfred has accepted me. He is teaching me to accept myself. Maybe we are not diseased. Maybe we are not sick. Maybe this is who we are and who we have supposed to have been. Some say we choose this lifestyle. There is no way I would have chosen this, but what I can do is choose on how we must act. We must find others and help reverse this wrongdoing. Alfred has saved my life. I found a job in a diner. I'm washing dishes; but you know, I enjoy having this weight of my soul. The heaviness of it was bearing down on me. I’m alive and they cannot take this from me without a fight.
Nov. 30th:
Today, we started to meet others like us. Helping them get off the streets. Tommy, he is from Nebraska. He is just recently removed from his job. His dad has threatened to kill him. We are trying to get him a job at the office building across the street. There are so many more like me. When you see another man with the ribbon, we know. We have our way of knowing.
