Contributed by Bre
I lay here, motionless and breathless. Covered in the remnants of Mother Earth. I knew what would happen. I saw this in my nightmares.
People talked to me about how I needed to leave him. They told me he was angry. He was only angry when he drank. He was funny and kind when he was sober. I recall all the times he shared laughing and experiencing life. The person that took over him when he drank was not the man I married. He was fueled by this monster. I could see his eyes change colors, his pupils enlarged with anger.
My mother told me I was too young to be married. She said I was only a child. I was a strong-willed 18-year old that knew what the world had in store. I was wrong. I dropped out of university. He said that he would take care of me. This was great initially. We had a home. We traveled. We always found time to celebrate life. We would share drinks and enjoy parties. He drank often. But it was never a problem, until he lost his job.
Downsizing in the company, and no formal college education, he couldn’t find suitable income for us to maintain the lifestyle we initially had. It was mere luck he was given the previous opportunity to begin with. Sometimes, he took his frustrations out on me, and I knew he was just blowing off steam. It’s degrading working for people that are younger than yourself.
I couldn’t help much, with the new baby at home. Plus, I had no education to get a job to even pay off the cost of childcare. His rages became more frequent. I was shamed for not losing the weight I had gained being pregnant. He told me to stay away from table when we were out at social functions. Initially it bothered me; but I new he was right, that I had let myself go.
My friends never understood why I couldn’t leave. They didn’t understand that his outbursts were only when he wasn’t himself. That wasn’t the man I married, but the alcohol. If I left him, where would I go? I couldn’t face my mother. She would never let it go that I married too young and that he was never a good choice. She never liked him. I couldn’t let her see that she was right after all these years.
How would I even leave? I couldn’t support myself, so there would be no way I could leave the baby. I am a mother and could never leave my child behind. I couldn’t take the child from him either. A baby needs a mother and a father. If I left, he threatened to take full custody, and I knew I would lose. I didn’t have the means to support a child, and then I would be left alone.
No one understood why I couldn’t leave. I had to stay. There was no one else that he could turn to when he asked for forgiveness. I had to be there for him. He promised that it was going to be the last time. There was always more though.
Too bad I didn’t leave. My mother now has full custody. I really showed her, right? I could have left and found the support, but how was I to know that there was safety and shelter. How was I to know that he wasn’t going to control his anger this time. I didn’t know that this time was going to be the last time. This was the last time forever.
